I Am Not

I tried to learn your way of thinking.
I can't be as bitter as you.
I tried just pretending I agree with you.

I am not your punching bag.
I am not your doormat.

A punching bag is made of leather.
I am made of flesh.
Leather is made from flesh.
I am not your punching bag.

A punhing bag is stuffed with cotton or some other crap that holds it together so it is strong.
I am stuffed with bones and organs and other crap that holds me together so I am strong.
I am not your punching bag.

A door mat is flat.
You have beaten all the diminsion out of me.
I am not your doormat.

A door mat is rough, so when you stomp on it scraped the crap off your feet.
I am rough, so when you come and walk on me I get your crap from off your feet.
I am not your doormat.

A doormat has a nice saying you can pick out to be just what you want.
I have to say just the right thing, just what you want.
I am not your doormat.

I am not your punching bag.
I am not your doormat.

Tick Tock

Tick tock, tick tock.

Shut up, you stupid clock. 

You tell me how much time is gone.

How little time is left. 

Tick tock, tick tock. 

On the wall you sit and mock. 

I sit here. day by day. 

You watch me as I waste away. 

Tick tock, tick tock.

Shut up you stupid clock. 

You tell me how much time is gone.

You watch me as I waste away.

Five years

In five years 

I've learned that sometimes being numb is the only way to survive 

In five years

 I've learned sometimes silence is the only way 

In five years 

I've learned that you have to force yourself to find humor 

In five years 

I've learned no one likes the hospital 

In five years 

I've learned not to say what your thinking

In five years 

I've learned that once they know you had cancer that's all they ever see.

Sad

I have read books. 

Several. 

Lately I have been reading sad books. 

Devouring them. 

I like to feel sad. 

Sometimes I try to cry.  

It is good to cry. 

Crying means I am real. 

I have listened to sad songs. 

Hundreds. 

Soaking them in. 

Usually, I close my eyes. 

It helps me feel real. 

I like to feel sad. 

When I am sad, I am happy. 

I have watched movies. 

So many. 

And I enter them. 

Sad movies are my favorite. 

They are real. 

I like it when movies make me cry. 

It shows people I am vulnerable. 

I read poetry. 

A lot. 

I love sad poems. 

They are better than happy ones. 

Those are fake.

Sad ones are written like this one is. 

I am intelligent because I read sad poems  

Made of

My head is made of Celexa to keep my slightly sane 

My neck to my chest is Sinthroid and hydrocortisone so I having something left in there 

My lungs are made of albuteral so now I can breath

My stomach is Prilosec to give me some release

My womb is just a combi patch so my body thinks it's not barren 

My legs are made of neproxen, I guess so I can walk 

My mind is made of cancer. That's what everybody says 

Lonely

I hear everything 

They think I don't 

I guess they assume 

I'm fine on my own 

I'm not 

I'm lonely 

I want someone to care 

 

I just want a friend I can call my own 

Someone near. I can lean on 

And have to my own 

This is selfish 

But I just don't care 

I'm just so tired of being alone

Blank Page

Ink, pen, blank page
Something to write
Nothing said

'Send a message to the world'

Ink, pen, blank page
Nothing to write
Something said

'Send a message to the world'

Ink, pen, blank page
Something written
Nothing said