I Am Not

I tried to learn your way of thinking.
I can't be as bitter as you.
I tried just pretending I agree with you.

I am not your punching bag.
I am not your doormat.

A punching bag is made of leather.
I am made of flesh.
Leather is made from flesh.
I am not your punching bag.

A punhing bag is stuffed with cotton or some other crap that holds it together so it is strong.
I am stuffed with bones and organs and other crap that holds me together so I am strong.
I am not your punching bag.

A door mat is flat.
You have beaten all the diminsion out of me.
I am not your doormat.

A door mat is rough, so when you stomp on it scraped the crap off your feet.
I am rough, so when you come and walk on me I get your crap from off your feet.
I am not your doormat.

A doormat has a nice saying you can pick out to be just what you want.
I have to say just the right thing, just what you want.
I am not your doormat.

I am not your punching bag.
I am not your doormat.

Tick Tock

Tick tock, tick tock.

Shut up, you stupid clock. 

You tell me how much time is gone.

How little time is left. 

Tick tock, tick tock. 

On the wall you sit and mock. 

I sit here. day by day. 

You watch me as I waste away. 

Tick tock, tick tock.

Shut up you stupid clock. 

You tell me how much time is gone.

You watch me as I waste away.

Five years

In five years 

I've learned that sometimes being numb is the only way to survive 

In five years

 I've learned sometimes silence is the only way 

In five years 

I've learned that you have to force yourself to find humor 

In five years 

I've learned no one likes the hospital 

In five years 

I've learned not to say what your thinking

In five years 

I've learned that once they know you had cancer that's all they ever see.

Sad

I have read books. 

Several. 

Lately I have been reading sad books. 

Devouring them. 

I like to feel sad. 

Sometimes I try to cry.  

It is good to cry. 

Crying means I am real. 

I have listened to sad songs. 

Hundreds. 

Soaking them in. 

Usually, I close my eyes. 

It helps me feel real. 

I like to feel sad. 

When I am sad, I am happy. 

I have watched movies. 

So many. 

And I enter them. 

Sad movies are my favorite. 

They are real. 

I like it when movies make me cry. 

It shows people I am vulnerable. 

I read poetry. 

A lot. 

I love sad poems. 

They are better than happy ones. 

Those are fake.

Sad ones are written like this one is. 

I am intelligent because I read sad poems  

Made of

My head is made of Celexa to keep my slightly sane 

My neck to my chest is Sinthroid and hydrocortisone so I having something left in there 

My lungs are made of albuteral so now I can breath

My stomach is Prilosec to give me some release

My womb is just a combi patch so my body thinks it's not barren 

My legs are made of neproxen, I guess so I can walk 

My mind is made of cancer. That's what everybody says 

Lonely

I hear everything 

They think I don't 

I guess they assume 

I'm fine on my own 

I'm not 

I'm lonely 

I want someone to care 

 

I just want a friend I can call my own 

Someone near. I can lean on 

And have to my own 

This is selfish 

But I just don't care 

I'm just so tired of being alone

Blank Page

Ink, pen, blank page
Something to write
Nothing said

'Send a message to the world'

Ink, pen, blank page
Nothing to write
Something said

'Send a message to the world'

Ink, pen, blank page
Something written
Nothing said

The Dame

The Dame sat by the ocean shore
The Dame for her love did wait
The Dame for her love did worry
The Dame for her love did not hurry

The Dame waited by the shore
The Dame need wait no more
For over the ocean and to the shore
Her White Knight came a'riding

The Dame stood up her heart a'flutter
The Dame's white dress flowed all around her
The Dame's black hair in the wind did fly
The Dame's White Knight took her in his arms

The Dame's White Knight her lips did kiss
The Dame's White Knight said 'fear not my love
For this night shall be my last"

Then out of the fog They came a' riding
Then out of the fog They came a'gliding
Then out of the fog 'ready, aim, fire'

The Dame's White Knight to the ground did fall
The Dame leaned o're his bleeding breast
The White Knight she did one last time his lips caress

Puppet Master

Tie your strings to my arms
Paint a refection of yourself.

Now practice a few moves.
Do I mimic? Good, you can start

Throw a punch.
I will apologize.

Tear them down with your words
I will take the blame.

Varnish your sword
I will suffer the consequences.

When they turn their back say what you really feel.
I will repent.

Puppet master.
How do you feel?

Drugs

Phenergan to take away the nausea from the guilt
Oxycodone to take away the pain of living
Morphine to separate me from the world


Benadryl to let me sleep through the day
Marinol to let me get away
Tramadol to sleep away the pain
Celexa to give me a happy mask to wear

Miss You

Its been a year since you died

A day since I cried

And a second since I’ve thought of you

Stupid cancer

Screw cancer

Maybe it is survivors guilt,

Maybe I will get over it

I hope not

I hope I think of you every day

I hope it brings a pain

I hope I want to cry every time I think of you

I don’t want to miss you less

I don’t want to skip the pain thinking of you brings.

A year you died

A day I cried

A second I thought of you

Life and Death

Two seats one empty one I sit in.

I know why it is empty.

But as I look at the seat once full

And I think of all I didn’t do.

To make it all right again 

That would be my life long pain.

            For I had love and love again

But I do not know what love truly

Means. I doubt  I Ever will.

But I know Hate and hate again.

And I know death for I am death.

Love sat by me in the seat but now the seat lies bear with regret and deceit.

For life is my love and love is my life.

But when life saw me she left. 

Down

Over a hill and down a bridge lives a man with hair but no wig 
 and a cat with fur but no coat 
and a dog with a waggly but no tail
 and bird with feathers but no wings
 and I for one never intend to live in a house with pets such as this
  and father with with hair such as that.   

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You washed my eyes to see the truth but I still seem to have mud in them

You give me chances more then I deserve but I still throw them aside

You let me do what I want but still I don't repay you

You are generrise but still I am a selfish giant

You are fare I am unfair to you who listened told me truth

You are the hero I well I am the villain to whom you try to guide

You are trying to guide me tell me truth but I won't let you in

To where you've wanted to be all these years 

You dance with me through all the good times

Held my hand through the hard 

Pick me up when I fall

Cry with me when we lose loved ones 

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I see myself now as I will see myself forty years from now.

I see myself cry.

I see myself laugh.

But soon will come a time when I will never see again

because I will have nothing to see.

I will be asleep forever.

The Point

When you come to a point in life

you will see there is life without a point.

The point in life will be very sharp.

You had better not touch it.

The point is in because the point with the height

has nothing to do with life with a point.

It all together means

you took the wrong turn.

Sneeze If You Have To

I can hear you talking all stuffed up.

See you squinting and wrinkling your nose.

I want to yell, "cabbage!"

But sneeze if yo have to.

The misery you're going through is too much for me to bare.

Looking at you suffering.

The tissues are right there!

I see you topple over.

Please come back, please!

This wouldn't have happened if only you had sneezed.

Guilt

I see you wave happy to see me

I feel you hug me so gleefuly

I smile and walk away

you hold my hand as we walk

my guilt fills my eyes with tears

you turn to me you see the tears you face now

filled with fear I manage a smile and walk away the guilt

billeds a wall taller then me

I want to tell you everything

I want to pour out my heart

I see you wave happy to see me

I feel you hug me so gleefuly

I here you call me your "best freind"

I manage a smile and fall to the ground

my guilt fills my world with dark

In My Arms

Could this feeling have been true?

True love

Could I have wanted to spend my life with you?

Could I have wanted to hold you in my arms and never let you go?

If that feeling had been true love

why did it all the sudden stop?

If I had wanted to spend my life with you

why did the door shut behind you?

If I had wanted to hold you without letting go

how did you slip from my fingers so?

Why did you give me your love knowing I would throw it away?

Why did you come into my abode knowing it would never be your home?

Why did you run into my arms knowing I would let you fall?

I will throw my love and life away

make sure I have no home

I will pull myself out of the arms of safety

have a burden of guilt upon my back

die with it upon my shoulders

in my coffin of cold black stone.

Wait

The sky is shining I'm so exited

your eyes and heart are full of joy.

We all line up to take our place

there are millions lined up behind me

the whole of earth is ready to go.

Billions of angels come down lift you all up carrie you all away.

I scream for them to wait

the babies and young children 

skip past me there faces all a' glow.

I feel a chain around my waist a rope around my neck you turn around to reach

for me my hand is but a inch away.

My feet are burning my eyes are burning my face is burning red hot.

A sour face comes up to meet me you turn around one tear then your comes like a light

I scream for you I sink back down

rusted to the core,

turned into nothing but the dust of day